Week 7: Staying Emotionally Connected

I have been missing the bid!

You know those times we you are sitting in church and the Holy Ghost testifies of some super simple truth and it’s like you have heard it for the first time because it hits you so powerfully, but you know its NOT the first time! Ya, that happened to me as I read about Gottmans missing “the bid”.[1]

What is the bid?

A bid for connection is when one spouse is seeking a certain something from the other and instead of kindly asking for it, they blow up about it in a negative way. For example, once several years ago, I had made plans to go out with my girlfriend for dinner. I called my husband to tell him and his response was, “What! Your going out with her again! Didn’t you just see her a few months ago! You are never home!”

This is a bid.

What is he bidding for?

Well, in this case, he was bidding for attention. During that time of life, things were super crazy. The kids were younger which meant homework, jobs, meetings, activities, music lessons and all forms of time consuming running around. Essentially, instead of time together, most often we swapped out; like runners passing the baton. He came home and rested a bit, then I passed him the baton and ran for my one free night a week when I could play. The result: he was feeling neglected. What he was really was saying was, “Spend time with ME instead.” He was bidding for a connection and some time together.

Is that what he said? A big NO! But that is the heart of what was meant.

I would like to say that even years ago I was that super wise spouse who could see through the harsh words to the bid below. I didn’t.

I have been missing the bid!

My Commitment: To look for the BID!

I am married to a musician who feels very deeply and openly. My goal is to look for the bid behind the emotion and give as much as I can. Because the truth is: I love my husband. I want him to want to spend time with me, to care about what I am doing and what I feel. I care about his feelings. He is my friend. My best friend.

So I will look for the bid. And I will read him this chapter so he can look for mine!

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[1] The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, p. 91

Week 6: Cherish Your Spouse

We love the extreme!

Look at the gospel for example: many of us struggle to read the scriptures every day but are positive that if we were called on to cross the planes we would rise to the call without question!

It seems to me that we handle marriage struggles in much the same way. Gottman says that fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance.[1]

But those answers seem so perfectly simple. It is possible that in our efforts to understand how to make marriage an eternal journey, we are over-complicating it. We want deep, big deal answers when really, the simple answer is remembering to like each other.

Are we like the sister from President Uchtdorfs talk titled It Works Wonderfully, who spent hours and hours working on a quilt to display during her lesson titled, “Simplify”?[2]

Gottman tells us that the key to creating a fondness and admiration for your spouse is to get in the habit of scanning for qualities and actions that you can appreciate then letting your partner know you are thankful.[3] We want to search for the small things. I have noticed several simple, tiny, everyday things over the last few days that my amazing husband has done for me. They are simple, and easy, but with an “attitude of gratitude”, they become powerful tools to shape a happy relationship. Some of things I have noticed are:

·         he made the bed
·         he woke up early and got the kids up for me
·         he brought me lunch at work
·         he took the time to listen to my distraught daughter after I had a long day
·         he got on the ground and played with our new granddaughter (7 months old!)
·         he changed the front light on my car that was out
·         he told me I was beautiful several times in one day

And the list goes on.

 Building a loving relationship has so much to do with our focus. Do we focus on the good or do we look for the bad? Abraham Lincoln said, “If you look for the bad in all mankind, expecting to find it, you surely will.”

Powerful words of truth!

So my challenge: Look for the good. It is there! The key is to find it and keep it at the forefront of our thoughts, always letting them be heard!

Those happy thoughts will become our reality!

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[1] The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, p 69.

[2] https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2015/10/it-works-wonderfully?lang=eng

[3] p71. 

Week 5: Behaviors That Negatively Affect Marriage

“The key to reviving or divorce-proofing a relationship is not simply how you handle your disagreements but how you engage with each other when you’re not fighting.”[1]

                                                                                    John M. Gottman, Ph.D.

Have you even been sitting in a church class and your teacher asks a question to which the answer is: read scriptures, pray, attend the temple and have family home evening!

Of course! 

We all have, right? Why? Because those are the foundational principles of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. They are the starting points, the glue, that invites revelation into our personal lives, our relationships and our homes.

I love this quote from the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman because it reminds me of that exact point: it’s the daily things we do that make all the difference in our lives!

How we feel about and treat our spouse in the day to day lays the foundation for how poisonous arguments can become. I remember years ago reading an Ensign article about marriage. It talked about how we can “reprogram” our thoughts just like someone programming a computer. If we were programming a computer and we told it that it was bad at math, it was terrible at spelling and that it couldn’t read, what would that computer be able to do for us? Not much!!

So why do we think that we can foster negative or indifferent thoughts about our spouses and then be able to act in a Christ-like way during an argument? It seems pretty silly, but how many people actually justify it.

It reminds me of this Studio C episode. Watch it and you will understand:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T0GrMZvbqs0

Well bless her heart!

Treating our spouse with love daily is the key!

But wowzers! that can be hard when that person is having a rough day and taking it out on you!

Another quote I LOVED was from Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage by H. Wallace Goddard, Ph. D. He says:

“The surest test of our spiritual maturity is the way we react to those who are imperfect physically, spiritually, or emotionally.”[2]

The enabling power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ is the key! It can us find the strength to love even when we feel we have nothing left to give. It can  help us to become more in our relationship than we ever thought we could be as we make the Gospel of Jesus Christ our foundation during those times of frustration and weakness.

Jesus Christ is the great healer of the world. With his stripes we are healed and with his example to follow, we can know the way to create an eternal marriage!

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[1] The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John M. Gottman, PH. D., and Nan Silver. p. 51

[2] Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard, PhD. pp. 31

Week 4: Doctrine of Eternal Marriage

Lead by Example

“As men and women, as husbands and wives, and as Church leaders, one of our paramount responsibilities is to help young men and women learn about and prepare for righteous marriage through our personal example.”[1]                                      -David A. Bednar

When I was married almost twenty-four years ago, I had no idea how significantly I was influenced by my parents’ marriage; both good and bad. Although I loved my husband, the first few years were tough ones for us. Whenever things got rough, the first thing I would do is call Mom and Dad to tell them all about my woes! The hubby did the same with his parents.

Major mistake #1

Thankfully, we learned sooner rather than later how detrimental this habit was. Our parents loved us more than our new spouse, and of course took our sides. But the repetitive reminding we were getting every time we hashed out the complaint over and over was not healthy. Our parents were a lot less likely to forgive and forget than we were, causing stress in the family.

Bruce C. Hafen, in his talk titled, ‘Covenant Marriage’ gives us three examples of destructive “wolves” that can destroy marriage: natural adversity, imperfection, and excessive individualism.[2] Every marriage will struggle in at least one of these areas. Whether it is excessive trials, a critical spouse, or an indifferent one, the toll on a marital relationship can be significant.

Satan wants us to miserable because HE is miserable. He knows that if he can plant those destructive patterns in a covenant marriage, many generations will be affected.  If a mother and father are constantly at war, what are the children learning?

It is my job as a parent, to help prepare my children for a successful marital relationship. But how does that happen? What does that look like? 

Elder Bednar gives us great insight in his talk titled, ‘Marriage Is Essential to His Eternal Plan’. He said:

“As young people notice that we have made the comfort and convenience of our eternal companion our highest priority, then they will become less self-centered and more able to give, to serve, and to create an equal and enduring companionship. As young women and men perceive mutual respect, affection, trust, and love between a husband and a wife, then they will strive to cultivate the same characteristics in their lives. Our children and the youth of the Church will learn the most from what we do and what we are—even if they remember relatively little of what we say.”

EXAMPLE IS THE KEY!!!

If I want my children to know that marriage is more than a simple legal contract, then I need to show them through my example. That, of course, does not mean that I need to be perfect. My children have seen me get angry and speak louder than I should. BUT, they have also seen me own it and apologize later for my outbursts. We are not seeking perfection in our path to eternal marriage, but we are seeking for humility

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[1] https://www.lds.org/ensign/2006/06/marriage-is-essential-to-his-eternal-plan?lang=eng

[2]https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1996/10/covenant-marriage?lang=eng