Week 7: Staying Emotionally Connected

I have been missing the bid!

You know those times we you are sitting in church and the Holy Ghost testifies of some super simple truth and it’s like you have heard it for the first time because it hits you so powerfully, but you know its NOT the first time! Ya, that happened to me as I read about Gottmans missing “the bid”.[1]

What is the bid?

A bid for connection is when one spouse is seeking a certain something from the other and instead of kindly asking for it, they blow up about it in a negative way. For example, once several years ago, I had made plans to go out with my girlfriend for dinner. I called my husband to tell him and his response was, “What! Your going out with her again! Didn’t you just see her a few months ago! You are never home!”

This is a bid.

What is he bidding for?

Well, in this case, he was bidding for attention. During that time of life, things were super crazy. The kids were younger which meant homework, jobs, meetings, activities, music lessons and all forms of time consuming running around. Essentially, instead of time together, most often we swapped out; like runners passing the baton. He came home and rested a bit, then I passed him the baton and ran for my one free night a week when I could play. The result: he was feeling neglected. What he was really was saying was, “Spend time with ME instead.” He was bidding for a connection and some time together.

Is that what he said? A big NO! But that is the heart of what was meant.

I would like to say that even years ago I was that super wise spouse who could see through the harsh words to the bid below. I didn’t.

I have been missing the bid!

My Commitment: To look for the BID!

I am married to a musician who feels very deeply and openly. My goal is to look for the bid behind the emotion and give as much as I can. Because the truth is: I love my husband. I want him to want to spend time with me, to care about what I am doing and what I feel. I care about his feelings. He is my friend. My best friend.

So I will look for the bid. And I will read him this chapter so he can look for mine!

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[1] The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, p. 91