Lesson 13: In-Law Relations

I loved the quote from the book Helping and Healing Our Families that said, “President Kimball identified some important points regarding family relationships. First, married children should confide in and counsel with their spouses. Second, if possible, they should establish their own household, separate from their parents. Finally, any counsel from outside sources should be considered prayerfully by both spouses together.”

Oh, how I wish someone had pounded this into my brain when I was a newlywed. My parents are wonderful people and are still married to each other, however, they are not the best communicators. My father was in the military and we spent most of my growing up years overseas in Germany and England-away from extended family. There were not many thriving, up close relationships to draw from in learning how to correctly interact with my spouse. Needless to say, the first few years of my marriage were a time of great learning.

When I was married, my parents were living in Saudi Arabia and we didn’t have much if any push-back on establishing our own family from them. However, my husband’s family, as much as I love them, was a different issue; in both areas of finance and relationships. There was a lot of pressure to attend every family reunion, every Thanksgiving and Christmas, and every special family event. The first several years, I didn’t mind, but as our little family grew and we had our first child, that became an issue.

I love that quote above because it guides us in two major issues: counseling and praying as a couple. This is key to laying a foundation of understanding and respect.  When we learn to humble ourselves enough to pray together each night, it gives us a safe zone, if only for a little while that focuses us on the eternal. We are reminded about our covenants and the Spirit unites us, even in times when we disagree. When we take time to regularly counsel together, we experience many of the same things, however, we also learn to respect the other persons opinion and listen to their ideas. I loved Gottman’s suggestions about taking time each week to get together with your spouse and discuss your relationship. He suggested discussing what went well that week, what you loved, and what did not go so well. That time to express feelings creates a safe unity that draws us closer to each other. This is so, so important when you are battling to set new traditions, new boundaries with family members, new ways of handling money, new day to day routines; all with a new person!

So, whether we are dealing with issues like In-Law’s or finances, if we set those habits early on to pray together and to counseling regularly with our spouse we will be prepared to draw towards one another in the difficult times.

Ashley Yarrington