Lesson 13: In-Law Relations

I loved the quote from the book Helping and Healing Our Families that said, “President Kimball identified some important points regarding family relationships. First, married children should confide in and counsel with their spouses. Second, if possible, they should establish their own household, separate from their parents. Finally, any counsel from outside sources should be considered prayerfully by both spouses together.”

Oh, how I wish someone had pounded this into my brain when I was a newlywed. My parents are wonderful people and are still married to each other, however, they are not the best communicators. My father was in the military and we spent most of my growing up years overseas in Germany and England-away from extended family. There were not many thriving, up close relationships to draw from in learning how to correctly interact with my spouse. Needless to say, the first few years of my marriage were a time of great learning.

When I was married, my parents were living in Saudi Arabia and we didn’t have much if any push-back on establishing our own family from them. However, my husband’s family, as much as I love them, was a different issue; in both areas of finance and relationships. There was a lot of pressure to attend every family reunion, every Thanksgiving and Christmas, and every special family event. The first several years, I didn’t mind, but as our little family grew and we had our first child, that became an issue.

I love that quote above because it guides us in two major issues: counseling and praying as a couple. This is key to laying a foundation of understanding and respect.  When we learn to humble ourselves enough to pray together each night, it gives us a safe zone, if only for a little while that focuses us on the eternal. We are reminded about our covenants and the Spirit unites us, even in times when we disagree. When we take time to regularly counsel together, we experience many of the same things, however, we also learn to respect the other persons opinion and listen to their ideas. I loved Gottman’s suggestions about taking time each week to get together with your spouse and discuss your relationship. He suggested discussing what went well that week, what you loved, and what did not go so well. That time to express feelings creates a safe unity that draws us closer to each other. This is so, so important when you are battling to set new traditions, new boundaries with family members, new ways of handling money, new day to day routines; all with a new person!

So, whether we are dealing with issues like In-Law’s or finances, if we set those habits early on to pray together and to counseling regularly with our spouse we will be prepared to draw towards one another in the difficult times.

Ashley Yarrington

Week 12: Transitions in Marriage: Power Relations and Children

“The Spirit of God never generates contention”

Truth!

 No matter how we want to justify our point when we are involved in a brutal battle of words, contention is never the result of having the Spirit. These wise words of President Henry B. Eyring are a brutal but educational truth to help us discern where are heart really is. In his article titled That We May Be One from the April 1998 General Conference, he goes on to say:

“It (The Spirit of God) never generates the feelings of distinctions between people which lead to strife. It leads to personal peace and a feeling of union with others. It unifies souls. A unified family, a unified Church, and a world at peace depends on unified souls.”

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1998/04/that-we-may-be-one?lang=eng

Pride is the enemy to the goal we have to keep the Spirit of God with us in our family relationships. Pride offends the Spirit and repels it. Pride has a sneaky way of entering into our arguments. I have three teenage daughters. I love them with all my heart, but, I admit, there are times when my pride gets in the way of my attempts to parent. More often than not, it is when I find myself raising my voice after hearing the phrase “Mom, you just don’t get it!”  for what seems like the millionth time in a week timespan. My temper flares at the obvious call to my ignorance, and pride walks in the door. From that point on, the Spirit departs and unless I rally my temper and humble my heart, it will not return.

In his book titled Counseling with Our Councils by M. Russell Ballard he quotes Rulon G. Craven when he discusses his experiences as Executive Secretary to the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. He describes these inspired men discussing sensitive issues always with a feeling of peace and respect for each other. He talks about how these men are all from different backgrounds and have differing opinions, yet with the Spirit of God as their guide, they never allow contention to enter their hearts. They make decisions in unity, always respecting what another has to say, even if they disagree. What a beautiful sight that must be to see!

Taking that feeling as our guide, may we all strive to council with our families in just that way: with love, peace and unity, always inviting the Spirit to be our guide. With the companionship of the Holy Ghost and the humbling guidance he offers, we cannot go wrong.

Ashley Yarrington

Week 11: Fidelity and Physical Intimacy


I was married young; not just in age but in maturity. Now at the age of nineteen, I would have told you that I was wise beyond my years, but as I look back, I realize I was clueless! I can relate to the quote from Hugh B. Brown who said, 
"Thousands of young people come to the marriage altar almost illiterate insofar as this basic and fundamental function is concerned. The sex instinct is not something which we need to fear or be ashamed of."

He goes on to say:
" It is God-given and has a high and holy purpose … We want our young people to know that sex is not an unmentionable human misfortune, and certainly it should not be regarded as a sordid but necessary part of marriage."
Because of the complete lack of communication and understanding by many adults today, many of our young adults are getting married without the slightest clue as to the problems that could arise in the intimate aspects of their relationship.

 Sean E. Brotherson said that, "I am convinced that ignorance is perhaps the most costly deficiency when it comes to sexual fulfillment between marital partners. A failure to understand your own body, your partner's responses, and the essential ingredients of a healthy sexual relationship quickly becomes a failure to find sexual satisfaction as a married couple. Problems in this area of a marriage relationship can severely impact couple communication and caring, and leads often to insecurity, anxiety, frustration, anger, emotional alienation, and even divorce."

From this lack of understanding and education, pornography can become a horrible addiction leaving spouses hurt and children in single parent homes. This is not so simple for someone who grew up in a home where intimacy was never discussed. I have an extended family member who absolutely will not discuss anything intimate, even in a general educational aspect. When an issue came up with her son having pornography addictions, she completely shut down about it and could not even bring it up. That discussion was left to the father, and although I think he tried to do his best to help his son, because of the limited discussions it continued on for more than a few years.

The key is to keep the lines of communication open! Brother Brotherson gives us some excellent sources to turn to as Latter-Day Saints when we need help in the area of intimacy. He suggests the following:
1 - The Act of Marriage: The Beauty of Sexual Love by Tim and Beverly LaHaye. Excellent, Christian-based book on sexual love in marriage, frank and wholesome. Great for engaged or newlywed couples, as well as couples at any other stage of marriage.
2 - Between Husband and Wife: Gospel Perspectives on Marital Intimacy by Stephen Lamb and Douglas Brinley. Solid and interesting perspective on marital intimacy from a Latter-day Saint gospel perspective. Very good resource.
3 - Intended for Pleasure by Ed Wheat. Book by a Christian MD and therapist with his wife, very insightful and well-done.
4 - The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner Davis. Well-known therapist and marriage educator has written an engaging and positive book about dealing with sexual challenges in marriage. Brand new, a great read.
5 - Purity and Passion by Wendy Watson, a BYU professor and marital therapist whose book on intimacy is grounded in gospel understanding and purpose. Nice resource.
6 - Couple Sexual Awareness or Sexual Awareness: Couple Sexuality for the Twenty-first Century or Rekindling Desire: A Step by Step Program to Help Low-Sex and No-Sex Marriages, all by Barry and Emily McCarthy. These are well-written, practical guides on sexual intimacy for couples by a well-recognized sex therapist and his spouse.


As we keep the lines of communication open and are willing to admit we may need direction at times, we can avoid the traps of the Adversary as he strives to damage and break the bonds in our marital relationships.
Ashley Yarrington

Week 10: Seeking to Understand

Do you ever have one of those “DOE!” moments. You know, the ones that remind you of a cartoon character who hits his palm on his forehead when he finally understands something that was completely simple yet had been completely missed before. I had one of those this week.

Gridlock

I didn’t know this was an actual state of being but it makes perfect sense. Gridlock is when you and your spouse cannot seem to get on the same page about an issue. It is when the argument becomes perpetual and irreconcilable. In an effort to put all my cards on the table, I will give you an example from my own relationship.

My husband has always had the dream of starting his own business. He doesn’t have a specific area of focus, he has just always had a dream to be his own boss. I, on the other hand, am a penny pincher. I don’t like to spend or take risks and would be happy if every extra dollar we had went into some kind of money building account. My husband will often comment on ideas that he has of ways to branch out and make our millions. My retort is pretty often, “NO! Its to big of a risk” or “You don’t know what you are talking about, that’s silly!”.

I am completely missing his dream. But worse than that, I am dismissing his thoughts and interests. My “DOE” moment came as I read Gottman’s Principle 6 on Overcoming Gridlock. He says,

“Remember that you don’t have to solve the problem to get past gridlock. Neither of you has to “give in” or “love.” The goal is to be able to acknowledge and discuss the issue without hurting each other”

I have been a dream killer.

Now don’t worry, I am not beating myself up here, but I am looking at a huge area of growth. That is life, that is marriage, right? I feel like I have a pretty solid marriage, but as I really look at behavior patterns this semester, I can see that it can be so much better!

So, although his dream is not my dream, I still need to have a healthy respect for his dream. It is a big part of one quality that I adore about him: his imagination.

My commitment to improve:

·         calm down and do not jump to defense when a desire is presented that brings up insecurities.

·         respect the dream. Look for it and validate it. Do not dismiss it.

·         make sure he feels that our marriage is a safe place to talk about his dreams.

·         BE A DREAM BUILDER!

It’s the small tiny shifts in behavior that over time will make the biggest difference. This shift has the potential to move mountains!

Week 9: Managing Conflict, Consecrating Ourselves

“YOU MAKE ME SO ANGRY!”

I imagine that almost everyone on earth has said this phrase in one form or another at some point in their lives. It’s a pretty basic go to when we get into conflict with someone else. But as we learned this week, there is one major flaw in this way of thinking: no one can MAKE us do anything.

We voted for Heavenly Fathers plan. We did not vote for Satan’s plan where someone would have to MAKE us do things. One way or another, every action we make in this life is our choice. We may feel coerced or manipulated at times, but still, the choices we make our ours alone.

In Chapter 9 of Gottmans book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he gives us a model for resolving conflict in a loving relationship. His five steps are:

1. Soften your start-up
2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts
3. Soothe yourself and each other
4. Compromise
5. Process any grievances so that they don’t linger

These can be powerful tools. Conflict comes up in all good relationships. The key is understanding how to work through them. Here are some ideas.

1.Asking ourselves the basic primary question, “What would Jesus do”, can help us understand how to put these steps to work. For example, to illustrate step 1, instead of saying, “Why are you so forgetful? I asked you to pick up your dirty clothes!” try softening it to, “I can see that you forgot to pick up your clothes. I imagine you must have a lot on your mind right now. How can I help?”

Sounds much better, right? But it takes self-control. Something we are told in the scriptures is vital for us to learn.

2.My younger sister used to comment to my husband and I about how frustrating it was to watch us argue. We would snap at each other and go back and forth, and then without fail, my hubby would crack a joke and we would end up on the floor laughing. It drove her crazy! After reading about Gottmans second suggestion for resolving conflict, I understand what we were doing: we were receiving repair attempts. I always just thought it was my hubby’s way of being funny. He was trying to make peace. I love that about him. He always knows when I get worked up and frustrated and he has learned just the right way to repair the damage.

3.The issue of self-soothing can be difficult for many of us, but it can be done. My father in law’s answer to almost any illness is to drink water. It’s simple but it usually does the trick! In marital conflict, the answer is just as simple: take a deep breath. Something as simple as stopping for a few minutes, taking a deep breath and refocusing can work wonders in our attitudes and relationships. Not only will it calm you down, but it will calm your spouse as well. Have you ever noticed than when in the middle of a conversation you stop and take a breath, almost always, the person you’re talking to does as well? It’s kind of like watching someone yawn. You just HAVE to do the same!

4. Compromise: yield to win!

This concept always makes me think of how I felt when my parents made me to go bed early as a child. They could tell I was exhausted and they sent me to bed. I got angry, threw a fit but always eventually ended up in bed. And I always fell asleep. It was always exactly what I needed. As an adult, I run to bed as early as I can get there. Comprise is just as beneficial. None of us really want our own way all the time. That’s no fun and not realistic! Compromise is needed daily. Accept it and decide what you can give on.

5. Finally, and probably most importantly is the step of letting old hurts go. Do you remember that old Garth Brooks song that said, “We bury the hatchet and leave the handle stickin out!”

Well, it’s time to not just bury the hatchet but get rid of it entirely. Addressing old hurts can sting resolving them will help us to feel safe with our spouse again. We can’t feel protected and appreciated while holding on to old issues.  Otherwise they come biting back at the worst of times. Don’t say you have let go of something if you really have not! Be truthful and calmly work through problems until they are gone forever.

As we learn how to resolve conflict and own our own emotions, we will find the peace that we seek in our relationships. We will be able to develop that friendship that is the foundation we need for an eternal relationship! One step at a time, we can do this

Ashley

Week 08: Beware of Pride

The heart of pride is enmity!

This took me some time to process. Pride is not just boasting, arrogance or stubborn behavior, it is having an inner hostility or hatred for someone else. My first thought to this was that, of course, I don’t actually hate anyone. But as I pondered it, I came to realize that-in fact- I do have less than friendly feelings for certain people around me.

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1989/04/beware-of-pride?lang=eng

President Ezra Taft Bensons talk titled Beware of Pride is fantastic. One phrase that really hit home with me was this one: “Pride is ugly. It says, “if you succeed, I am a failure!”

This statement hit me hard! As I reviewed thoughts and feelings I have had about those around me, this theme was one that came up more than once. About a year and a half ago, I was called to serve in a Young Women’s Presidency. Our stake was reorganized about three years ago and it was a tricky transition for some of us. When I was first called, I was excited to get to know the other women. But I soon came to realize that the President and I have some very different personality traits. Where I am patterned and organized, she is a free spirit and isn’t really a planner. I am a rule follower and she has a lot of gray areas. As I pondered this powerful talk, I realized that the consistent hostility that I have had is my problem. I am struggling with pride!

Thankfully, I have been praying for that I could overcome these feelings toward her. As I felt the Spirit guide me, I realized that maybe these impressions were the next level of movement that I need to make to overcome these feelings of hostility.

President Benson also said:

                “Pride is essentially competitive in nature. We pit our will against God’s. When we direct our pride toward God, it is in the spirit of “my will and not thine be done.” As Paul said, they “seek their own, not the things which are Jesus Christs.” 

So now that I realize that pride may be an issue for me, what do I do? President Benson gives the answer:

              

  “Let us choose to be humble. We can choose to humble ourselves by conquering enmity toward our brothers and sisters, esteeming them as ourselves, and lifting them as high or higher than we are. 

We can choose to humble ourselves by receiving counsel and chastisement. 

We can choose to humble ourselves by forgiving those who have offended us. 

We can choose to humble ourselves by rendering selfless service. 

We can choose to humble ourselves by going on missions and preaching the word that can humble others. 

We can choose to humble ourselves by getting to the temple more frequently.

We can choose to humble ourselves by confessing and forsaking our sins and being born of God. 

We can choose to humble ourselves by loving God, submitting our will to His, and putting Him first in our lives.

Let us choose to be humble. We can do it. I know we can.”

Humility is the key! But as President Benson says, it is a choice. When it come to making any relationship a happy one, it is the most important choice we can make.

Week 7: Staying Emotionally Connected

I have been missing the bid!

You know those times we you are sitting in church and the Holy Ghost testifies of some super simple truth and it’s like you have heard it for the first time because it hits you so powerfully, but you know its NOT the first time! Ya, that happened to me as I read about Gottmans missing “the bid”.[1]

What is the bid?

A bid for connection is when one spouse is seeking a certain something from the other and instead of kindly asking for it, they blow up about it in a negative way. For example, once several years ago, I had made plans to go out with my girlfriend for dinner. I called my husband to tell him and his response was, “What! Your going out with her again! Didn’t you just see her a few months ago! You are never home!”

This is a bid.

What is he bidding for?

Well, in this case, he was bidding for attention. During that time of life, things were super crazy. The kids were younger which meant homework, jobs, meetings, activities, music lessons and all forms of time consuming running around. Essentially, instead of time together, most often we swapped out; like runners passing the baton. He came home and rested a bit, then I passed him the baton and ran for my one free night a week when I could play. The result: he was feeling neglected. What he was really was saying was, “Spend time with ME instead.” He was bidding for a connection and some time together.

Is that what he said? A big NO! But that is the heart of what was meant.

I would like to say that even years ago I was that super wise spouse who could see through the harsh words to the bid below. I didn’t.

I have been missing the bid!

My Commitment: To look for the BID!

I am married to a musician who feels very deeply and openly. My goal is to look for the bid behind the emotion and give as much as I can. Because the truth is: I love my husband. I want him to want to spend time with me, to care about what I am doing and what I feel. I care about his feelings. He is my friend. My best friend.

So I will look for the bid. And I will read him this chapter so he can look for mine!

---

[1] The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, p. 91