Week 9: Managing Conflict, Consecrating Ourselves

“YOU MAKE ME SO ANGRY!”

I imagine that almost everyone on earth has said this phrase in one form or another at some point in their lives. It’s a pretty basic go to when we get into conflict with someone else. But as we learned this week, there is one major flaw in this way of thinking: no one can MAKE us do anything.

We voted for Heavenly Fathers plan. We did not vote for Satan’s plan where someone would have to MAKE us do things. One way or another, every action we make in this life is our choice. We may feel coerced or manipulated at times, but still, the choices we make our ours alone.

In Chapter 9 of Gottmans book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he gives us a model for resolving conflict in a loving relationship. His five steps are:

1. Soften your start-up
2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts
3. Soothe yourself and each other
4. Compromise
5. Process any grievances so that they don’t linger

These can be powerful tools. Conflict comes up in all good relationships. The key is understanding how to work through them. Here are some ideas.

1.Asking ourselves the basic primary question, “What would Jesus do”, can help us understand how to put these steps to work. For example, to illustrate step 1, instead of saying, “Why are you so forgetful? I asked you to pick up your dirty clothes!” try softening it to, “I can see that you forgot to pick up your clothes. I imagine you must have a lot on your mind right now. How can I help?”

Sounds much better, right? But it takes self-control. Something we are told in the scriptures is vital for us to learn.

2.My younger sister used to comment to my husband and I about how frustrating it was to watch us argue. We would snap at each other and go back and forth, and then without fail, my hubby would crack a joke and we would end up on the floor laughing. It drove her crazy! After reading about Gottmans second suggestion for resolving conflict, I understand what we were doing: we were receiving repair attempts. I always just thought it was my hubby’s way of being funny. He was trying to make peace. I love that about him. He always knows when I get worked up and frustrated and he has learned just the right way to repair the damage.

3.The issue of self-soothing can be difficult for many of us, but it can be done. My father in law’s answer to almost any illness is to drink water. It’s simple but it usually does the trick! In marital conflict, the answer is just as simple: take a deep breath. Something as simple as stopping for a few minutes, taking a deep breath and refocusing can work wonders in our attitudes and relationships. Not only will it calm you down, but it will calm your spouse as well. Have you ever noticed than when in the middle of a conversation you stop and take a breath, almost always, the person you’re talking to does as well? It’s kind of like watching someone yawn. You just HAVE to do the same!

4. Compromise: yield to win!

This concept always makes me think of how I felt when my parents made me to go bed early as a child. They could tell I was exhausted and they sent me to bed. I got angry, threw a fit but always eventually ended up in bed. And I always fell asleep. It was always exactly what I needed. As an adult, I run to bed as early as I can get there. Comprise is just as beneficial. None of us really want our own way all the time. That’s no fun and not realistic! Compromise is needed daily. Accept it and decide what you can give on.

5. Finally, and probably most importantly is the step of letting old hurts go. Do you remember that old Garth Brooks song that said, “We bury the hatchet and leave the handle stickin out!”

Well, it’s time to not just bury the hatchet but get rid of it entirely. Addressing old hurts can sting resolving them will help us to feel safe with our spouse again. We can’t feel protected and appreciated while holding on to old issues.  Otherwise they come biting back at the worst of times. Don’t say you have let go of something if you really have not! Be truthful and calmly work through problems until they are gone forever.

As we learn how to resolve conflict and own our own emotions, we will find the peace that we seek in our relationships. We will be able to develop that friendship that is the foundation we need for an eternal relationship! One step at a time, we can do this

Ashley