Week 10: Seeking to Understand

Do you ever have one of those “DOE!” moments. You know, the ones that remind you of a cartoon character who hits his palm on his forehead when he finally understands something that was completely simple yet had been completely missed before. I had one of those this week.

Gridlock

I didn’t know this was an actual state of being but it makes perfect sense. Gridlock is when you and your spouse cannot seem to get on the same page about an issue. It is when the argument becomes perpetual and irreconcilable. In an effort to put all my cards on the table, I will give you an example from my own relationship.

My husband has always had the dream of starting his own business. He doesn’t have a specific area of focus, he has just always had a dream to be his own boss. I, on the other hand, am a penny pincher. I don’t like to spend or take risks and would be happy if every extra dollar we had went into some kind of money building account. My husband will often comment on ideas that he has of ways to branch out and make our millions. My retort is pretty often, “NO! Its to big of a risk” or “You don’t know what you are talking about, that’s silly!”.

I am completely missing his dream. But worse than that, I am dismissing his thoughts and interests. My “DOE” moment came as I read Gottman’s Principle 6 on Overcoming Gridlock. He says,

“Remember that you don’t have to solve the problem to get past gridlock. Neither of you has to “give in” or “love.” The goal is to be able to acknowledge and discuss the issue without hurting each other”

I have been a dream killer.

Now don’t worry, I am not beating myself up here, but I am looking at a huge area of growth. That is life, that is marriage, right? I feel like I have a pretty solid marriage, but as I really look at behavior patterns this semester, I can see that it can be so much better!

So, although his dream is not my dream, I still need to have a healthy respect for his dream. It is a big part of one quality that I adore about him: his imagination.

My commitment to improve:

·         calm down and do not jump to defense when a desire is presented that brings up insecurities.

·         respect the dream. Look for it and validate it. Do not dismiss it.

·         make sure he feels that our marriage is a safe place to talk about his dreams.

·         BE A DREAM BUILDER!

It’s the small tiny shifts in behavior that over time will make the biggest difference. This shift has the potential to move mountains!